


Just a Friendly Little Turtle

by Genderfluid_Puddle_Of_Soup



Category: Linked Universe - Fandom, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Gen, Linked Universe (Legend of Zelda), Turtle is an ancient god, but also my friend, originally a live write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:41:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27920161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Genderfluid_Puddle_Of_Soup/pseuds/Genderfluid_Puddle_Of_Soup
Summary: Looking up at the Links was a small turtle with a happy little smile and the power to kill Dink.“You dare say ||bug|| in my domain?” the Turtle said.“Woah! How did you do that with your mouth?” Wind replied.A crack fic about Turtle, a broken carl-bot who's ready to help the Links through the power of censoring.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 36





	Just a Friendly Little Turtle

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on an LU server with a carl-bot named Turtle. We all love Turtle, but they're also a menace to society. This was originally a live write, and Turtle actually did yell at me every time I used a no-no word. Hope you enjoy!

The Links had just finished setting up camp for the day, and they were _bored_. There had been no signs of monsters all day, which was technically a good thing. However, it meant that there were now nine people known for their energy and paranoia sitting around an unlit fire pit. And Legend had just gotten something called “coffee” from Ravio in the mail. The excess energy was getting unbearable.

This had to change, Time decided. And he had just the thing for it. 

“Want to see something cool?” he asked the group.

Eight heads shot up, desperate for anything interesting to keep them busy. They would regret that later, not that they knew it.

Wind, who had just finished his 20th lap around the camp, came running up to Time. “Watcha got?! Watcha got?! Watcha got?!” He was bouncing up and down so fast that Time worried he would clip through the ground.

“I have a bottle of insects.” Time said, pulling them out of his pack.

Twilight laughed from across camp. “Seriously, Old Man. Like half of us collected those on our journey.”

“Ah yes, but this is a very special type of insect. Watch.”

Time took the bottle of insects in one hand and held an empty one in his other. He then dumped them onto the ground, releasing three insects that went scattering off in different directions. In a quick motion, Time scooped up two of the insects into separate bottles.

“Wow, so impressive. You can catch insects in a bottle,” Legend snarked.

“Take a closer look,” Time said, holding out a bottle. 

All the Links leaned in to see three insects inside the bottle. Time held the other bottle to show three more.

“Woah,” Wild said, snatching one to take a picture. “How did you do that?”

“I have no idea. This type of insect just multiplies when you put it in a bottle.”

Wild handed the bottle back to Time while scrolling through his Sheikah Slate. 

“Hey, it says this specific type is called a Bug.”

Sky smiled. “I like that. It’s a bug in a bottle. A bug bottle!”

 **just a friendly little turtle BOT:  
** **Please censor ||bug|| using two |’s on each side of the phrase. Thank you!**

The words rumbled through their ears, deep and threatening like thunder. From the fire pit appeared a portal, and from the portal a small animal began to crawl out. It emerged, a green creature that moved slower than molasses.

Looking up at the Links was a small turtle with a happy little smile and the power to kill Dink.

“You dare say ||bug|| in my domain?” the turtle said.

“Woah! How did you do that with your mouth?” Wind replied.

“It is quite easy. I simply put two |’s on either side of that offensive word.”

“What in the name of the goddesses does that mean?” Warriors asked.

“Oh right. Your realm does not know of |’s. That is fine; you can simply avoid saying the offending word again.”

“What, you don’t want us to say ‘bug?’" Hyrule asked.

 **just a friendly little turtle BOT:  
** **Please censor ||bug|| using two |’s on each side of the phrase. Thank you!**

“Why the _fuck_ does that keep happening?” yelled Legend as he covered his ears.

“It is the punishment those of my Realm face when they do not mark their language appropriately.” Turtle smiled serenely. “But this is not what I wish to discuss with you.”

“Cool. What exactly are you?” Four asked, ready to fight.

“I am Turtle. I am from a distant Realm where I overwatch those within my Domain.”

“And you care about us because?”

“The people of my Domain care very deeply about you nine. In fact, the person who sent me cares very much about you specifically, Hero of the Four Sword. The Four who are One. The One who is Four.”

Four seemed rather shocked at being addressed so formally, and also a bit worried that the others might start poking at the meaning behind his titles. Fortunately for him, Legend seemed to care much more about Turtle’s existence.

“That’s great and all, but why should we trust you? You just magically appeared from our campfire.”

“I already told you, those under my Domain care deeply about those with the Spirit of the Hero, and as their guardian, I have taken it upon myself to assist you in your quest to find The Shadow.”

“I think what Legend is trying to say,” Sky jumped in, “is that while it is very kind of you to offer your help, we don’t know you. I’ve certainly never even seen anything like you.”

“I see, Chosen Hero from the Sky. I know many things about all of you. Such as the Hero of Legend’s many encounters with turtles before me, as well as his time clearing three dungeons called ‘Turtle Rock.’”

“No? I’ve only cleared two dungeons with that name.”

“But what of your time on The Dreaming Island?” Turtle’s happy smile turned slightly wicked. 

Legend, like Four before him, seemed shocked, but unlike Four, Legend reacted with pure, unbridled rage. He tackled Turtle (an impressive feat, considering how low to the ground they already were), and started shouting.

“Who told you about that?! I’ve never told a soul!”

“As I have already stated multiple times before, I am from a Realm that cares deeply about those named Link. The one who sent me particularly enjoyed your time on The Dreaming Island.”

“ _Enjoyed_?! What was there to enjoy? They’re all dead.”

 **just a friendly little turtle BOT:  
** **Please censor ||dead|| using two |’s on each side of the phrase. Thank you!**

Everyone covered their ears again. 

“Seriously! I can’t even mention her death for the first time _ever_ without getting punished? Fuck you, Hylia!” Legend yelled.

 **just a friendly little turtle BOT:  
** **Please censor ||death|| using two |’s on each side of the phrase. Thank you!**

“Again, Hero of Legend, that was me,” Turtle smiled.

“How about we drop whatever topic ‘The Dreaming Island’ is and get back to the point?” Time said. “I think we should trust this turtle. I’ve met a turtle before, and they were cool. Plus this one’s proven themself knowledgeable. Any objections?”

The group of heroes all looked at each other.

“Hero life is already so goddess damn weird. This might as well happen,” Warriors sighed. “I’m in.”

A chorus of “yeah sure,” and “me too,” followed.

Time smiled. “Welcome to the Chain, Turtle.”

* * *

It turned out that the people of Turtle’s Realm were much more knowledgeable of the Links’ past than their future. Turtle’s knowledge was mostly used to accidentally (or accidentally-on-purpose) get the Heroes to talk to each other about themselves.

“Why?” Hyrule whispered, head in his hands, when Turtle “accidentally” mentioned his Fairy spell.

“Why not? Those of my Domain love talking of your Fairy form. It is most often why they must be punished for breaking the Realm’s laws.”

“What word could possibly be banned.”

“The word the Hero of the Wild and the Hero from the Sky used to summon me.”

“Bug?! They call me a bug?!” 

**just a friendly little turtle BOT:  
** **Please censor ||bug|| using two |’s on each side of the phrase. Thank you!**

“Oops. sorry.” Hyrule said after uncovering his ears. “Why would they call me that?”

“They have invented their own fairy lore. It’s very fascinating, aside from the gratuitous use of insect words.”

* * *

Even with Turtle’s limited knowledge of the future, they were still able to guide the Links much faster than the group would have been able to move on their own. Although perhaps guide was the wrong word. Because Turtle, being just a friendly little turtle, was very small and very slow.

The Links took turns carrying Turtle. Although Four, Twilight, and Wild ended up with them the most because, quoth the turtle, “your hoods make friendly little hammocks.”

With Turtle’s guidance, the Links eventually made it to-

“StarRupees? What do you think that means?” Wind asked, looking up at the sign on what used to be Legend’s house.

“It means that Ravio’s turned the place into a store again,” Legend grumbled as he shoved his way past the group and into the building.

“The Shadow is _here_ , Turtle?” Twilight asked, straining to look back at his hood.

“Yes, The Shadow is inside that building along with the Hero of Legend and his Lorulian counterpart.”

With a start, Warriors realized that meant that Legend had just run straight to the enemy without backup.

“Shit we gotta go help Legend.”

All the heroes (plus Turtle, of course) rushed inside to find that Legend’s house had been converted into a store to sell the “coffee” that Ravio had sent them. However, everyone in the restaurant seemed to have a drink that smelled like the coffee with the beans themselves nowhere to be seen.

“Did we… eat coffee wrong?” Wind whispered. You see, when Ravio had sent them coffee, they had all eaten the beans. Which you can do, it just creates a Wind so hyper that he can clip through walls.

Legend stormed back over to the group. “Can you believe that Ravio turned my house into a shop? Again! This is the second time he’s done this!”

“We have bigger issues Veteran,” Warriors said as he pointed to the line. There, standing in the middle of Legend’s house, was The Shadow, reading a book as he waited for Ravio to take his order.

“Cool. Turtle can take my place kicking his ass. I’m finding Ravio.”

Just then Ravio stepped out of the back room with Sheerow chirping beside him. “Vanilla Latte for Sa-harsh-rally!”

“It’s Sahasrahla,” Sahasrahla said with a sigh. 

Legend shoved Sahasrahla to the side, without so much as an apology. “Ravio! Why the _fuck_ is my living room a restaurant?”

“Oh! Hey, Mr. Hero! You were gone and Sheerow and I got bored. So we thought, ‘why not invent the chain restaurant?’ We’ve got Gulley working a branch in Kakariko, and once Hilda approves the paperwork, we’ll have one in Lorule too.”

Legend’s face turned red. “You fucking inconsiderate bastard! I’ve been gone for less than two months! And what, pray tell, were you planning to do with my house when I got back?”

All the other Link’s glanced at Turtle as Legend’s rant got more and more violent. 

“Nothing the Hero of Legend has said violates the guidelines of my Domain,” Turtle said.

“Well in that case, I’m going to get some coffee while we wait for Legend,” Sky said. “That stuff was great for staying awake.”

Time smirked, “Why don’t you cut in front of The Shadow in line? Some petty revenge before the real fight begins?”

 **just a friendly little turtle BOT:  
** **||cut|| is only allowed in the extreme channels, you can grab the @Soldier⚔️ role to access them. Please delete the message and take it to a more appropriate channel. Thank you!**

A group of around 20 people suddenly appeared next to the Links.

Turtle hummed from Twilight’s back. “These are the soldiers of my realm. They do not speak your Hylian tongue.”

The soldiers seemed awestruck by the Heroes’ presence, whispering amongst themselves and pointing at different Links. Four was able to make out bits of what they were saying (thanks weird Jabber Nut magic).

“Why was I pinged?”

“Turtle no.”

“The entire soldier tag over c utting in line?”

Turtle wriggled around in Twilight’s hood until he put them on the ground. They then crawled towards the soldiers, and said something that none of the Links could understand. (Jabber Nuts aren’t really meant for Hylian to English translation, you see.) 

When Turtle was finished, a wave of agreement seemed to sweep through the soldiers. Four thought he heard one of them yell, “if you hurt Turtle I will throw hands.” And then the soldiers were pulling out all sorts of weapons from seemingly nowhere. Swords, bows, and was that a water rod?

One soldier stepped forward, looked each Link right in the eyes (or eye in Time’s case), and said in a surprisingly cheery voice, “yeah, we can beat up Dink for you!”

None of the Links knew who Dink was, but from the way all the soldiers were glaring at The Shadow, Four guessed that’s who they were referring to.

The soldiers rushed forward with a fierce battle cry, and the Links followed after. It would have been the greatest, most epic battle in the history of Hyrule, but unfortunately for The Shadow, he hadn’t been paying attention to his surroundings, and the first soldier was able to easily tackle him to the ground. The Shadow’s book skittered across the ground, revealing it to be a copy of _Hyrule Historia_ with notes about the timeline littering the pages.

With the soldiers' help, the Links were easily able to pin The Shadow and just beat the absolute crap out of him. They brought out every obscure item in their inventory, much to the delight of the soldiers.

Much louder than the sound of Deku leaves, a beetle toy, and spinners, however, was the sound of customers screaming as they fled StarRupees. And even louder than that was the sound of Ravio bemoaning his loss of revenue.

Of course, no sound could ever compare to Turtle when you accidentally said “bug.”

 **just a friendly little turtle BOT:  
** **Please censor ||bug|| using two |’s on each side of the phrase. Thank you!**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
